RE: [gnso.secretariat@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx: ICANN Draft]; Editorial comments; Sections 1 & 2

[CE Whitehead <cewcathar@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Hi, I do not know if you are accepting editorial comments.  If so, I'd like to 
correct a few of the errors in the draft (English version); is there anyway I 
can get a text copy (rather than a PDF copy) of this draft?; a text file would 
be easier to correct properly.
 
It's not bad; I only found a few errors.Below I've corrected the first two 
sections. Thanks. --C. E. Whiteheadcewcathar@xxxxxxxxxxx    Substantial 
Comments: p. 4 "The key elements . . . "bulllet beginning,"Outreach information 
to be available in:  English, Chinese . . . " What version of Chinese?  It is 
not spelled out here.* * *Style/Logical Flow Bulleted list, pp. 4-5; I'd 
reorganize it as follows: * Outreach information to be available in . . . * 
Adapt the ICANN websites to use the content management system's 
internationalization features . . .(> The ICANN website to be adapted to use . 
. . ) * Providing interpretation during ICANN meetings . . . ( > Interpretation 
to be provided during ICANN meetings . . .) * Development of standard 
specifications and requirements . . . (> Standard specifications and 
requirements for interpretation during ICANN meetings to be developed . . . )  
*  Recruitment and appointment of a full-time Translation Coordinator . . .(> 
Full-time Translation Coordinator to be recruited and appointed . . . ) * 
Outsourcing of translation services to a medium-large translation agency 
combined with . . . (> Outsourcing of translation services to a medium-large 
translation agency to be combined with . . . )(COMMENT:  this item was 
particularly awkward) *  Evaluation and selection of a preferred translator 
supplier that has the skills . . .  (> A preferred translator supplier, with 
the skills, bandwidth, and technology to meet ICANN's translation needs in the 
short and long term, to be evaluated/selected  { COMMENT: ??  Do you mean, 
"selected through an evaluation process . . . ?} * Creation and maintenance by 
the translation supplier of two online linguistic databases . . .  (> Two 
online linguistic databases, one that stores multilingual ICANN terminology . . 
. and one that stores sentences that have been translated . . . to be created 
and maintained by the translation supplier.  {PLEASE NOTE: in the English 
version, the items in this list are not grammatically structured as 
parallels;If you want to say,"Outreach information to be in . . ." Then every 
other item should begin with a noun  followed by a phrase such as "to be . . ." 
 }   * * * Editorial/Grammar/Style--English Version Only; I've not Gone Through 
the OthersSECTION 1.  Executive SummaryP. 3  paragraph beginning, "The 
suggested . . ." bullet beginning "ICANN is committed to . . .""whereas it 
serves" > "whereas this serves"  (this optional change makes the pronoun 
reference clearer I think??) * * P.3 last p  > "with translation of any 
non-English comments received" { COMMENT:  you said, with translation as 
required"  is it always required for non-English comments?  Then delete "as 
required" because it is not necessary to say this non-English comments are 
always translated!If you say, "with translation of any non-English comments . . 
. " we can assume they are always translated, that that is the requirement;} * 
* P.4  Second to last p  (bullet)"Adoption of a standard submission . . . prior 
to of  . . . "> "prior to"{COMMENT We don't say "prior of"} * *P. 4  Last p 
(bullet)"Evaluation and selection of . . ." "Essential is the possibility to 
integrate ICANN community members in the translation process through an open 
translation environment">"It is essential to facilitate the integration of 
ICANN community members in the translation process through an open community 
environment."{COMMENT:  the original sentence here is very awkward; a 
possibility is not essential anyway; making something possible might be 
essential, but I do not think a possibility would be essential--it's something 
that might or might not happen; that's all.. }  * *P. 5bullet beginning 
"Development of standard specifications . . . ""to select suppliers in the 
country where the meeting will be held" {COMMENT:  this is awkward}> 
"Development of standard specifications and requirements for interpretation 
during ICANN meetings that will guide the selection of suppliers in the country 
where the meeting will be held." * * *SECTION 2.  Mission Statement and 
Overview P. 6, par 1"The mission of ICANN's translation programme is to provide 
those concerned with its work who are not fluent English speakers with an equal 
level of access to influence and participate in the work of the organisation as 
a fluent English speaker." >" with the level of access to the organisation, 
particularly to influence and participate in it, that is enjoyed by a fluent 
English speaker" {COMMENT:  Awkward; also, we do not say:  "with an equal level 
of access . . . as as fluent English speaker;" we can say "with the same level 
of access . . . as a fluent English speaker," or "with access equal to that of 
a fluent English speaker," or "with the level of access . . .  that is enjoyed 
by a fluent English speaker."  I prefer the third of these.} * * *  P. 6, 
middle of the page, beginning, "As part of the development of its translation 
programme . . . " 3rd bullet, beginning,"Develop the business processes for 
development of policies . . . " change"so that participants are able to work in 
several languages">"so as to enable participants to work in several languages" 
{COMMENT: the phrase, "so as to enable. . . ," is more 'vigorous;' thus it's 
considered better}  --C. E. Whitehead * * * Bonjour, je ne sais pas si vous 
cherchez du commentaire redactionnelle; si oui, j'aimerais corriger un peu le 
style dans la version anglaise de ce document preliminaire. (L'anglais n'est 
pas mal.  Je n'ai trouve que quelques petits defauts.) Voici en bas quelques 
petites remarques sur les (et corrections des) premieres deux sections du 
document.  (Et est-il possible que quelqu'un puisse me faire parvenir une copie 
texte de ce document--s'il y a une qui est disponible--par ce qu'il sera plus 
facile de corriger une copie texte; Merci).  Merci d'avance,--C. E. 
WhiteheadP.3 last p  > "with translation of any non-English comments received" 
{REMARQUES:  si l'on traduit toujours en anglais tout commentaire qui n'est pas 
ecrit en anglais, pourquoi faut-il dire 'as required;' si vous dites 
simplement, "with the translation of any non-English comments", on peut deviner 
que ce commentaire est traduit par ce que l'ICANN l'exige.} * * P.4  Second to 
last p  (bullet)"Adoption of a standard submission . . . prior to of  . . . "> 
"prior to"{REMARQUES:  On ne dit pas en anglais, "prior of"; l'expression est 
"prior to"  } * *P. 4  Last p (bullet)"Evaluation and selection of . . ." 
"Essential is the possibility to integrate ICANN community members in the 
translation process through an open translation environment">"It is essential 
to facilitate the integration of ICANN community members in the translation 
process through an open community environment."{COMMENTAIRE:  La phrase 
originale ici est un peu maladroite; une possibilite, on ne dit pas qu'elle est 
indispensable de l'avoir; bien-sur il est toujours indispensable d'avoir des 
possibilites dans la vie mais il ne faut pas l'expliquer; il vaut mieux dire 
qu'il est indispensable de creer une possibilite . . . }  * *P. 5bullet 
beginning "Development of standard specifications . . . ""to select suppliers 
in the country where the meeting will be held" {REMARQUES:  autre fois, cette 
expression est maladroite}> "Development of standard specifications and 
requirements for interpretation during ICANN meetings that will guide the 
selection of suppliers in the country where the meeting will be held." * * * 
SECTION 2. Mission Statement and Overview P. 6, par 1"The mission of ICANN's 
translation programme is to provide those concerned with its work who are not 
fluent English speakers with an equal level of access to influence and 
participate in the work of the organisation as a fluent English speaker." >" 
with the level of access to the organisation, particularly to influence and 
participate in it, that is enjoyed by a fluent English speaker" {REMARQUES:  
Autre fois, un peu maladroite; en plus, on ne dit pas en anglais:  "with an 
equal level of access . . . as as fluent English speaker"; on peut dire:  "with 
the same level of access . . . as a fluent English speaker," ou "with access 
equal to that of a fluent English speaker," ou "with the level of access . . .  
that is enjoyed by a fluent English speaker."  Je prefere la derniere de ces 
trois expressions dans cette phrase-ci} * * * P. 6, middle of the page, 
beginning, "As part of the development of its translation programme . . . " 3rd 
bullet, beginning,"Develop the business processes for development of policies . 
. . " change"so that participants are able to work in several languages">"so as 
to enable participants to work in several languages" {REMARQUES:  l'expression, 
"so as to enable. . . ", est plus energique/dynamic. } --C. E. 
Whiteheadcewcathar@xxxxxxxxxxx 

 Then every other item should begin with a noun  followed by a phrase such as 
"to be . . ."  }   * * * Editorial/Grammar/Style (human not machine errors it 
seems; some sound French; some could have been made by a hasty English 
speaker)--English Version Only; I've not Gone Through the OthersSECTION 1.  
Executive SummaryP. 3  paragraph beginning, "The suggested . . ." bullet 
beginning "ICANN is committed to . . .""whereas it serves" > "whereas this 
serves"  (this optional change makes the pronoun reference clearer I think??) * 
* P.3 last p  > "with translation of any non-English comments received" { 
COMMENT:  you said, with translation as required"  is it always required for 
non-English comments?  Then delete "as required" because it is not necessary to 
say this non-English comments are always translated!If you say, "with 
translation of any non-English comments . . . " we can assume they are always 
translated, that that is the requirement;} * * P.4  Second to last p  
(bullet)"Adoption of a standard submission . . . prior to of  . . . "> "prior 
to"{COMMENT We don't say "prior of"} * *P. 4  Last p (bullet)"Evaluation and 
selection of . . ." "Essential is the possibility to integrate ICANN community 
members in the translation process through an open translation environment">"It 
is essential to facilitate the integration of ICANN community members in the 
translation process through an open community environment."{COMMENT:  the 
original sentence here is very awkward; a possibility is not essential anyway; 
making something possible might be essential, but I do not think a possibility 
would be essential--it's something that might or might not happen; that's all.. 
}  * *P. 5bullet beginning "Development of standard specifications . . . ""to 
select suppliers in the country where the meeting will be held" {COMMENT:  this 
is awkward}> "Development of standard specifications and requirements for 
interpretation during ICANN meetings that will guide the selection of suppliers 
in the country where the meeting will be held." * * *SECTION 2.  Mission 
Statement and Overview P. 6, par 1"The mission of ICANN's translation programme 
is to provide those concerned with its work who are not fluent English speakers 
with an equal level of access to influence and participate in the work of the 
organisation as a fluent English speaker." >" with the level of access to the 
organisation, particularly to influence and participate in it, that is enjoyed 
by a fluent English speaker" {COMMENT:  Awkward; also, we do not say:  "with an 
equal level of access . . . as as fluent English speaker;" we can say "with the 
same level of access . . . as a fluent English speaker," or "with access equal 
to that of a fluent English speaker," or "with the level of access . . .  that 
is enjoyed by a fluent English speaker."  I prefer the third of these.} * * *  
P. 6, middle of the page, beginning, "As part of the development of its 
translation programme . . . " 3rd bullet, beginning,"Develop the business 
processes for development of policies . . . " change"so that participants are 
able to work in several languages">"so as to enable participants to work in 
several languages" {COMMENT: the phrase, "so as to enable. . . ," is more 
'vigorous;' thus it's considered better}  --C. E. Whitehead * * * Bonjour, je 
ne sais pas si vous cherchez du commentaire redactionnelle; si oui, j'aimerais 
corriger un peu le style dans la version anglaise de ce document preliminaire. 
Veuillez trouver en bas quelques petites remarques sur les (et corrections des) 
premieres deux sections du document.  (Aussi, est-ce qu'il est possible que 
quelqu'un puisse me faire parvenir une copie texte de ce document--s'il y a une 
qui est disponible--par ce qu'il sera plus facile de corriger une copie texte; 
Merci).  Merci d'avance,--C. E. WhiteheadP.3 last p  > "with translation of any 
non-English comments received" {REMARQUES:  si l'on traduit toujours en anglais 
tout commentaire qui n'est pas ecrit en anglais, pourquoi faut-il dire 'as 
required;' si vous dites simplement, "with the translation of any non-English 
comments", on peut deviner que ce commentaire est traduit par ce que l'ICANN 
l'exige.} * * P.4  Second to last p  (bullet)"Adoption of a standard submission 
. . . prior to of  . . . "> "prior to"{REMARQUES:  On ne dit pas en anglais, 
"prior of"; l'expression est "prior to"  } * *P. 4  Last p (bullet)"Evaluation 
and selection of . . ." "Essential is the possibility to integrate ICANN 
community members in the translation process through an open translation 
environment">"It is essential to facilitate the integration of ICANN community 
members in the translation process through an open community 
environment."{COMMENTAIRE:  La phrase originale ici est un peu maladroite; une 
possibilite, on ne dit pas qu'elle est indispensable de l'avoir; bien-sur il 
est toujours indispensable d'avoir des possibilites dans la vie mais il ne faut 
pas l'expliquer; il vaut mieux dire qu'il est indispensable de creer une 
possibilite . . . }  * *P. 5bullet beginning "Development of standard 
specifications . . . ""to select suppliers in the country where the meeting 
will be held" {REMARQUES:  autre fois, cette expression est maladroite}> 
"Development of standard specifications and requirements for interpretation 
during ICANN meetings that will guide the selection of suppliers in the country 
where the meeting will be held." * * * SECTION 2. Mission Statement and 
Overview P. 6, par 1"The mission of ICANN's translation programme is to provide 
those concerned with its work who are not fluent English speakers with an equal 
level of access to influence and participate in the work of the organisation as 
a fluent English speaker." >" with the level of access to the organisation, 
particularly to influence and participate in it, that is enjoyed by a fluent 
English speaker" {REMARQUES:  Autre fois, un peu maladroite; en plus, on ne dit 
pas en anglais:  "with an equal level of access . . . as as fluent English 
speaker"; on peut dire:  "with the same level of access . . . as a fluent 
English speaker," ou "with access equal to that of a fluent English speaker," 
ou "with the level of access . . .  that is enjoyed by a fluent English 
speaker."  Je prefere la derniere de ces trois expressions dans cette 
phrase-ci} * * * P. 6, middle of the page, beginning, "As part of the 
development of its translation programme . . . " 3rd bullet, beginning,"Develop 
the business processes for development of policies . . . " change"so that 
participants are able to work in several languages">"so as to enable 
participants to work in several languages" {REMARQUES:  l'expression, "so as to 
enable. . . ", est plus energique/dynamic. } --C. E. 
Whiteheadcewcathar@xxxxxxxxxxx